‘Sugar Daddy’ Love Ventures
Some middle-aged men want to remain dominant and be a "hero" over their opposite sex partners, while some young women want to earn easy money. These two desires find an outlet in “sugar” relationships.
Having entered middle age and built a financially established family with increasingly independent children, a man may still want deep intimacy with his wife. He may be keen to pamper her like in the early days. Or he may seek intimacy motivated simply by his male ego.
In fact, some men may feel they are missing what they need from their spouses. As a result, they may look beyond their marriage for a so-called “sugar” arrangement, where they date much younger partners.
"The relationship between a middle-aged man and his young partner is a mutually beneficial heterosexual relationship," Wahyu Rahardjo, a sexual behavior researcher and lecturer in psychology at Gunadarma University in Depok said on Friday (31/3/2023).
The man controls the relationship, while the young woman submits and follows what the man wants from her. In this relationship model, the middle-aged man is referred to as “sugar daddy” with the young woman being a “sugar baby”. The gender roles may flip with an older “sugar mommy” as a benefactor for a younger male sugar baby.
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Irwan Martua Hidayana, a researcher on gender, sexuality and health who is also a lecturer at the School of Anthropology at the University of Indonesia, said on Saturday (1/4) that such relationships had existed for a long time. In Indonesia, the period between 1970s as 1980s saw infamous local terms for sugar daddies and mommies, which were om senang (happy uncle) and tante girang (cougar) respectively.
Today’s vernacular has also coined the term ani-ani for a female sugar baby and brondong for a sugar baby boy, while a sugar daddy is more popularly known as a gadun.
According to SeekingArrangement.com, a global sugar dating platform, sugar relationships are more commonly found in countries where tuition fees are high and the gap between the rich and the poor is wide.
SeekingArrangement data from 2021 shows India as the country with the most sugar daddies, amounting 338,000 people. Indonesia has 60,250 sugar daddies, and Malaysia has 32,500.
“A platform like SeekingArrangement helps connect young and empowered women with wealthier, more affluent men who not only bolster their financial [situation] but act as a mentor or gateway in catapulting these sugar babies to a promising future,” said SeekingArrangement chief executive Brandon Wade, as quoted by Mashable Southeast Asia on 9 Feb., 2021.
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Money and sex
The phenomenon of sugar daddies is related to low levels of satisfaction among some husbands in their marriages. In middle age, they admit to losing some of the spark with their spouses.
A middle-aged woman might become a sugar mommy when she, while being well-established economically, sees her spousal role simply as a formal obligation. In the meantime, her children may have also reached adulthood and become more independent.
A similar case may happen to a man who has reached the peak of his career with a thriving financial condition. With the resources he has, he will try to find satisfaction other than amassing wealth, which may include another woman’s affection.
In a society with a strong patriarchal culture, a sugar daddy wants to show off his potential as benefactor in the hope for control of the sugar relationship. He always seeks to feel "being relied on" as a "hero" for the other and to express his affection at will. To satisfy his desire, he turns to a woman who is younger, somewhat subservient, easy-going, willing to hear his complaints and sexually permissive.
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That’s what sugar daddies want from and find in sugar babies. Sugar babies are often school or university students who are willing to embark on this kind of love venture, hoping that they can afford what they need, such as paying tuition fees, buying their favorite things, going on vacations or just hanging out with friends.
Apart from the desire to be in a position of dominance, manly rivalries are behind the emergence of sugar relationships. In a masculine-dominant environment, some men will look to the subjugation of women as a symbol of manliness and success.
Sugar relationships are transactional and conditional. They can end at any time with no prospect of a complicated termination process. One of the agreed upon conditions of the relationship is that sugar baby must always be ready to serve when sugar daddy needs.
For women, a sugar relationship presents a minimal risk of conflict because sugar daddies are usually not jealous or protective, unlike if she is dating someone of her own age. Sugar babies fell that a sugar relationship is not the same as prostitution, which is a short-term, purely sexual engagement.
Nevertheless, many experts view sugar relationships as a type of prostitution. Although the way a sugar relationship develops is slightly different from standard conceptions of prostitution, both are the same in that they involve money and lust.
Some women become sugar mommies because they need new experiences outside of their daily routine.
Likewise, men opt for sugar relationships because they consider it as having low legal risk compared to other relationships, such as when they take a mistress. Mistresses are generally more mature than sugar babies and are usually in demand for status certainty, not just for money or sex. Meanwhile, going for a contractual marriage, unregistered marriage or polygyny would not only threaten the family but also endanger the man’s career and economic stability.
In the context of a sugar mommy, according to Wahyu, the reason behind forming a sugar relationship with a sugar baby is similar, which is to show her peers her power in controlling the opposite sex. At home she may be a submissive wife, but outside she is the one who controls the relationship.
According to Irwan, a middle-aged woman becoming a sugar mommy may be due to a lack of attention from her husband, an attempt at revenge for spousal infidelity or a pressing desire for a sexual outlet.
"Some women become sugar mommies because they need new experiences outside of their daily routine as in the case of a man becoming a sugar daddy, who needs someone to confide in," he said.
Many sugar mommies are also ready to provide lavishly for their sugar boys, perhaps renting them an apartment, buying a motorcycle or sports car or giving them various luxuries. In return, a sugar mommy may demand absolute loyalty from her sugar boy.
Night atmosphere at a cafe in Gang Royal, Rawa Bebek, North Jakarta, Monday (16/1/2023) early morning. Along this alley lined cafes that provide women who serve sex at night.
Economic gap
Sugar relationships are also indicative of psychological barriers some men face. In middle age, between 40 and 60 years old, they may find themselves unsatisfied with their spouses. In sexual life, their desire remains high compared to women’s because men's andropause comes later than women's menopause.
"When [they think that sexual] needs have not been met, [they] will continue to make it up in the next stage of life," Wahyu said.
Sugar relationships are believed to continue to exist as part of social dynamics. Patriarchal culture and increasing calls for gender equality have triggered a big gap in fulfilling the psychological needs for some men.
Irwan pointed out the need for communication in marriage, saying that if boredom started to appear and the husband wanted something new or different from his wife, all he needed to do was communicate it to his wife, instead of looking outside for another woman.
Sugar relationships are inseparable from social and cultural life. According to Irwan, society tends to have double standards in viewing male sexuality. Even if they are married and have a family, some people view it as common practice for men to have an affair with another woman.
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On the other hand, when her husband appears to be having an affair, a wife is said to share the blame and is called on to engage in introspection while the spousal betrayal is being committed by her husband. As a result, in most cases of spousal infidelity, women end up confronting and fighting each other over the man’s infidelity.
"As long as economic inequality continues [to exist], transactions over sugar relationships will persist, as materialistic lifestyles are also prominent. The phenomenon of sugar relationships will be here to stay," Irwan said.
Economic equality, higher education for women and men and a suppression of the power of capitalism in people's lives will be able to reduce sugar relationships to help keep Indonesian families happy and prosperous.
This article was translated by Musthofid.
