So that children listen

It is very important to understand the various reasons why children do not listen. This is so that parents understand the reason.

KOMPAS/RIZA FATHONI

Women and small children are enjoying the atmosphere of Tebet Eco Park, South Jakarta, Thursday (21/3/2024).

Many parents believe that their children should listen to and follow their directions. However, sometimes they forget that their attitudes and behaviors actually make their children unwilling to obey their commands. It is advisable for us to re-examine this relationship.

It is truly annoying when a child does not listen, making us feel ignored by the child. Parents become easily offended because it seems that the child does not respect them. We are tempted to raise our voice and tone, repeat requests, or even use threats.

Jen Lumanlan (2023), a psychologist who focuses on child development and education, says that there are many reasons why a child "doesn't listen," and most of them actually have nothing to do with disobedience. Here are some of them:

Also read: ”Reparenting” (1)

• Children are busy doing activities they like and don't want to stop or even be disturbed.
• Your child doesn't yet fully understand time. Young children often have difficulty understanding the concept of time and the necessary immediacy.
• Children cannot remember many instructions at once.
• Children have been conditioned to wait until you shout. Repeating the question and shouting will only reinforce unwanted behavior. Parents need to make clear and concise requests without excessive repetition.
• A child feels attacked based on language and repeated requests. Using critical language and giving ultimatums can create resistance from the child because they feel that your words are meant to embarrass them (even if that is not your intention).
• You may be used to not listening to your child, which can then lead to them not wanting to listen to you. Effective communication is a two-way street. Take the time to actively listen to your child, not just to their verbal expressions, but also to what is implied and unsaid, so that they feel understood and valued.
• Children need more independence. Autonomy is one of the most common needs expressed by children through "not listening". Especially teenagers, they want to have their own opinions about things that are considered important in their lives.

KOMPAS/ADRYAN YOGA PARAMADWYA

Parents accompany their children to read children's books at The Japan Foundation, Jakarta, Monday (5/2/2024).

Of course, there are many other reasons. It is important to understand various causes as to why children do not listen so that parents can address the underlying reasons. By applying more appropriate strategies, it is hoped that parents can establish a more cooperative and respectful relationship with their children.

How to get children to listen

There are various strategies that parents can do, ranging from simple methods to those that require more specific skills. Here, I compile the opinions of Eileen Kennedy-Moore (2014), a clinical psychologist, and Vicki Glembocki (2023), who works as a journalist and editor.

1. Empower children

Empowering children to listen can begin with changing your mindset. For example, rather than giving orders, provide information. Children, like adults, naturally want to know why something is necessary. Providing this information can encourage children to comply.

You need to name their feelings to help express them.

2. Give children choices

Children like options because it helps them feel capable of controlling the situation. Every individual wants to have the right to determine how to do something, even if it is a small matter.

KOMPAS/ADRYAN YOGA PARAMADWYA

Parents accompany their children to play at RPTRA Bhinneka, North Petukangan, South Jakarta, Wednesday (13/12/2023).

3. State your expectations

Stating reasonable expectations can help ensure that others have a similar mindset. In turn, this can prevent conflicts from arising even before they happen. For example, if a mother allows her children to turn on the TV before they leave for school, she can inform them of her plan beforehand, such as "After you take a shower, get dressed, and are ready to leave, you can watch TV again while I prepare your lunch and we won't be late."

4. Mention the child's feelings

Mentioning a child's feelings is an act of validation and can alleviate or prevent conflicts. Additionally, it can help the child identify their emotions, which is an important skill in learning to manage emotions. Parents also need to listen. Telling a child to stop crying sends the message that their feelings are not important. Children often cry (or whine, yell, have tantrums) because they cannot communicate their feelings or do not know how to manage those emotions. You need to mention their feelings to help them express themselves.

Also read: Am I Stubborn?

5. Choose the right moment.

If you want your child to bring their dishes to the kitchen, it will be easier for them to listen if you ask them right after they get up from the table, rather than waiting until they are far away and relaxing on the sofa. Parents should also avoid making challenging requests when the child is tired, hungry, or emotionally uncomfortable.

KOMPAS/PRIYOMBODO (PRI)

A child plays with soap bubbles while visiting the Kota Tua tourist area, Jakarta, Friday (12/4/2024).

6. Get their attention

If you need to talk to a child, approach them, make eye contact, gently put your hand on their shoulder, then make your request and stand there calmly and confidently until the child does what you ask. Be careful not to burden the child with too many instructions at once. With some children, you may need to ask them to repeat the instructions. "So, what do you need to do when we get home?"

7. Focus on action

Tell your child what they should do, not what they shouldn't do. Make requests enjoyable and if necessary, do it together.

8. Say the words "please" and thank you

Using these words makes children feel valued, not commanded by their parents. Instead of using threats, make simple statements like "if..., then...". "If you finish practicing the piano, then you can invite your friends over" or "If your toys are cleaned up, we can go to the park."

Also read: ”Reparenting” (2)

Statements like this indicate that children have control over when positive results will occur. You can also use statements like this to leverage specific events to trigger desired responses. "After this movie is over, you need to go upstairs to take a shower," or "After you finish your ice cream, you need to brush your teeth."

Enjoy helping children listen.

ARSIP PRIBADI

Agustine Dwiputri

Agustine Dwiputri, Psychologist; PTT Lecturer at the Faculty of Psychology, University of Indonesia