Toxic Relations

Toxic relationships do us no positive good. However, it is often difficult for us to get out of that relationship.

KOMPAS/BAHANA PATRIA GUPTA

The signboard that prohibits dating in Taman Prestasi, Surabaya, on Sunday (23/6/2019). Urban parks that are well maintained in the dry season are not only a place to play, but also a place for residents to engage in social interactions.

We often use the term ”toxic relationships” to discuss unhealthy or “toxic” relationships. Often in the context of dating, but can also be in other contexts, such as the relationship between husband and wife, parents and children, or in friendship.

A relationship can experience ups and downs and sometimes be in less than positive situations. It's normal for us to have different opinions or conflicts every once in a while. That doesn't necessarily mean toxic. What's toxic is if the main characteristics of the relationship are negative so that being in it feels very stressful.

If we often feel unappreciated, have difficulty communicating, are not understood, taken advantage of, or lonely in our relationships, perhaps we are in a toxic relationship. Relationships like this do not provide positive benefits for us. However, we often find it difficult to leave such relationships. The reasons are varied, such as feeling sorry, afraid of being alone, feeling guilty, afraid of being treated worse, not ready to separate, and so on.

KOMPAS/HENDRA A SETYAWAN

Prof Dr.Elizabeth Kristi Poerwandari, Professor at the Faculty of Psychology, University of Indonesia

What is wrong?

What is really happening? A toxic relationship occurs when people involved in a relationship relate and communicate in an unhealthy manner. Repeated conflicts occur. One or both parties adopt a demanding, fault-finding, or manipulative attitude towards the other's feelings. Negative emotions dominate over positive emotions. Instead of eliciting positive feelings, the relationship actually drains energy. We feel tired, confused, scared, trapped, and even chaotic.

Why is there a relationship like this? Not infrequently, one of the important factors is that one of the parties has an insecure attachment pattern. Perhaps as a child he was neglected or treated badly by the adults around him so he suspects he will experience the same thing from other people in his adult life. Or conversely, he grows up with a very pampering upbringing so he tends to become egocentric, only busy with his own interests.

Also read: Getting Rid of Toxic Relationships

It may also happen that during childhood, one sees experiences of infidelity or dishonesty in adult relationships around them and identifies with one party who - in their limited understanding - is lied to, treated poorly, or becomes a victim.

With the aforementioned background, it brings a sense of insecurity, always feeling worried or suspicious if others do not fully give attention. Therefore, they will demand full attention from others, even trying to control and make decisions for others. Maybe they will track where others are, check their cell phones and social media, control their partner's behavior, prohibit their partner from meeting or establishing social relationships with others, or get angry over small things that they do not like.

KORNELIS KEWA AMA

Young people take advantage of the opportunity at Lake "Seroja" to date. They mostly ignore health protocols.

In extreme situations, severe forms of violence can occur. The psychological or mental health impact of toxic relationships can be very serious, and we need to be aware of other potential impacts that may arise. For example, physical illness or disrupted social relationships with others. Economic life can also be affected if the situation causes us to be unable to work calmly or even lose our jobs.

Gender construction

Men and women alike can exhibit toxic behavior, bringing discomfort to others and having potentially damaging effects on relationships.

What needs to be understood is that gender construction can present different appearances in toxic relationships. A man who feels that his position is superior may feel more entitled to control his partner, even resorting to physical and sexual violence if his wishes are not followed.

Meanwhile, a gender construct that emphasizes the cleanliness and loyalty of women may also trap them. Having been involved too deeply, they may struggle to get out of their unhealthy relationships. They may lose their self-confidence and view themselves as unworthy. They may be afraid of experiencing even worse violence or fear being seen as a failed woman. Therefore, despite feeling extremely pressured, in the end, they remain in the relationship.

There are at least two important things that we need to note. First, dealing with toxic people can greatly erode our patience, happiness, and inner peace. Feeling treated unfairly and oppressed, and that it happens constantly, without realizing it we will also "catch" that toxic behavior. We, who used to be full of smiles, patience, and spoke in a gentle tone, have to continue to relate with "the toxic one". As a result, we might also become quick to anger, speak in a high tone, and have negative thoughts.

Also read: Avoid Toxic Dating

Secondly, toxic or violent relationships often force us to compromise, even going too far in lowering our standards of values ​​about things that need to be upheld.

Perhaps previously we upheld certain values, such as commitment in our work, honesty, and not engaging in cheating. In toxic relationships, our values may start to erode. We may feel forced to lie to others to cover up what is happening. We may lie to our partner to avoid arguments. We may be compelled to break promises or skip work to appease our partner's anger, ultimately causing harm to others. We allow ourselves to be showered with harsh words or physical abuse, and worst of all, we may become toxic individuals ourselves.

Finally, it can be concluded that it is much better to avoid toxic relationships or to leave immediately if we realize that our relationship is unhealthy. Something that, unfortunately, is not as easy as it sounds. Hopefully, we can discuss in another opportunity, how to avoid or get out of toxic relationships.